


Say It One More Time (That The Universe Was Made For My Eyes)

by MidnightRavenFromTheClock



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Angst, Drug Use, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everything Hurts, Family Feels, Gen, Good siblings, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Inspired by Music, Klaus Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Protective Ben Hargreeves, Protective Klaus Hargreeves, Sibling Bonding, Suicidal Thoughts, just a bit, partly, this is painful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-08 23:29:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17990555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MidnightRavenFromTheClock/pseuds/MidnightRavenFromTheClock
Summary: Ben dies and Klaus does what he's always done when the world tried to break him - he pretends.Aka it's Ben's funeral and Klaus can't deal





	Say It One More Time (That The Universe Was Made For My Eyes)

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo... the title and partly the story is inspired by 'Saturn' by Sleeping At Last, one of the most beautiful songs I've ever heard so I encourage you to go check it out. Well, here I go hurting my favorite characters again! Also I gave Ben a non-canon hobby here (sorry?)

The funeral was small. It wasn’t for lack of people willing to come, but because they were only allowing those who had actually known _him_. And that list was painfully short. If you asked Klaus, it was even shorter than the amount of people there. Speaking of, dad had taken the seat at the very front. Klaus wanted to believe the man looked indifferent, yet even he couldn’t deny the flashes of sadness across his adoptive father’s face (it didn’t make a difference). The way Klaus saw it, the man might’ve as well done the deed himself.

Klaus might’ve been more upset about this if he wasn’t so high. It was a terrible thing to do, but the world seemed upside down and it was nice to have a tangible reason _why_. And anyway, he didn’t want to be sad, or grieving or whatever else he was supposed to be doing. So, he did what he’s always done when the world tried to break him – _pretended_. Pretending was a nice coping mechanism - how could something hurt him if he convinced himself it wasn’t there? Full-proof. That’s what the drugs did, really. Not crippling his ability (despite what he let people believe) but enabling him to pretend he couldn’t see them… so strongly he could learn to believe it himself.

Today Klaus did the same, not the easiest task considering where he currently was, but he was nothing if not determined (maybe one day it would break him, but not today). He just wished he’d taken more before coming. He’d thought about it and then decided to be considerate, telling himself it would have to be enough… and he might have taken more than usual anyway, he hadn’t bothered to keep track. _Wouldn’t it be funny to die at a funeral?_ Klaus chuckled, earning himself some irritated looks, to which he stuck his tongue out. Who were they to judge? Well, they were _his_ siblings and maybe they _were_ grieving or whatever.

* * *

They’re nine the first time Klaus sneaks out to the roof and sees Ben cradling a huge book and staring at the sky.

“What are you doing?” He asks and Ben jumps, looking at Klaus sheepishly.

“Just- looking. Looking around.” Ben mumbles. He’s timid, as if caught doing something wrong but Klaus knows that’s not true because Ben is the good, rule-following one. “What are _you_ doing here?” Ben narrows his eyes, only now realizing he’s not the only one out of bed.

“I couldn’t sleep.” Klaus shrugs. He doesn’t say how the dead have started appearing more clear and real, or how dad started giving him special training two weeks back and Klaus can’t stop going back there each time he closes his eyes. “Mind if I look around with you?” He adds before Ben can ask.

After a brief pause Ben nods and Klaus maneuvers himself next to him. He watches Klaus carefully and Klaus shifts with discomfort, wondering if Ben suddenly discovered an ability to read minds.

“So… what are we looking at?”

Ben smiles. “The stars.” He says looking up at the sky and Klaus can’t help but follow his gaze.

“Can you… read them?”

Ben chuckles. “Not really, but I have this.” He points to the book and Klaus sees that every page is filled with images of constellations. “Sometimes I wonder if that’s where we came from, somehow… It sounds foolish when I say it.”

Klaus doesn’t know a lot about stars, but he shakes his head. “Maybe you’re right. It wouldn’t even be the strangest thing about us.”

Ben laughs. “I guess not.” He turns the pages, stopping on one with a drawing of a scale.

“Libra.” Klaus reads. He thinks the constellation looks more like a house but lights up all the same when he finally finds it in the sky. _Their constellation_.

* * *

Klaus played with the bag of pills in his pocket, how bad would it be if he took them now, in the middle of the funeral? The thought of dad taking them away stopped him, for now. If only it wasn’t so _loud_ here. Klaus never did agree with graveyards much. Who would’ve thought whispers could be so loud? He wished he at least had his headphones, proper funeral behavior be damned. He wished for a lot of things… but damn those kinds of thoughts. He needed a distraction, so he thought of a song. ‘ _With your feet in the air and your head in the ground-_ ’ Klaus chuckled again, the lyrics were fitting. _‘Your head will collapse but there’s nothing in it, and you’ll ask yourself_ …’’

“Klaus.” Diego hissed.

He blinked. “Huh?”

Diego was shaking his head. Had Klaus started humming? He’d been trying not to (being considerate and all). Shit.

He excused himself to the bathroom and stumbled to the door. He half considered leaving altogether, but headed to the bathrooms instead, locking the door behind him.

He hummed. “ _Where is my mind, where is my mind…_ ”

He looked at the mirror – God he looked awful. He pulled the bag out. “There you are.” He mumbled, smiling.

“ _Don’t_.”

He opened the bag, wondering how much was still relatively safe to take. How much had he taken that morning?

“You already took too much.”

It would have to be fine. He leaned under the tap, drinking and then splashing water on his face.

“Damn it Klaus. Look at me! Can’t you see me?”

He spilled the entire bag into his hand, how many were there? Three, four-

“Klaus!” The voice rose with an edge of panic. “ _Please_.”

Klaus winced. He raised the pills, already feeling the bliss that would soon settle under his skin-

“You’re _killing yourself_!”

He froze, the pills inches form his mouth. _Shit-shit-shit…_

With a silent curse he bagged the pills and shoved them back in his pocket-

“Klaus?”

and splashed more water on his face.

“Can you- can you hear me?”

He walked out of the bathroom.

Klaus sat back down, ignoring the glares from his siblings. They must’ve thought he’d taken something. He wished he’d had. How long did these things last anyway? He didn’t _feel_ that high anymore (he fought the urge to cover his ears and start humming). He fidgeted with his hands, focusing on his thumbs and not the room, because his head was hurting and the awful-brown-box at the front of the room had become too imposing. Worst of all, he could feel eyes on him (he shivered, and closed his eyes and ignored the little voice in his head screaming he was a terrible person). He almost looked, stopping himself at the last second.

Klaus was glad at least _he_ was staying silent now, it was easier to pretend that way.

* * *

As soon as he got home, Klaus stumbled to his room and turned up the music. He plopped down in bed, staring at the ceiling (it was spinning, so maybe he wasn’t as sober as he’d thought).

“I’m still here.”

He shut his eyes.

“ _Klaus_.”

He stayed like that until finally falling asleep. In his dreams he would grieve.

* * *

They’re thirteen, and it’s been three months since Five and Klaus is coming down from a high. His restless mind is asking for more, and a man with a broken jaw is crying in the corner but Klaus doesn’t have anything, so it’s between sneaking out to find a dealer in the middle of the night or-

Well, he’s not quite sure what alternatives there are.

Eventually he does leave his room, but heads to the roof instead of outside. He sighs with relief, because Ben is there, using the old telescope Pogo gave him on their birthday. He instantly discards it and turns to Klaus.

“Hey.” He greets as Klaus goes to sit on the ledge.

Klaus looks up at the clear sky. “Good night for stargazing.” He comments. He’s never learned any constellations besides the Libra, despite all the night’s he’s spent up here with Ben. Usually he’s content with watching Ben do his thing.

Ben hums. “Can’t sleep?” He narrows his eyes in that ‘I know what’s up’ kind of way and Klaus shrugs.

“Not tonight.” He says.

“Are they here?”

The crying man didn’t follow him, but there’s a little girl standing on the ledge beside Ben, staring at the ground as if they’re not there, and an old man lying on the roof by their feet, his neck ripped apart. “No.” Klaus lies, because Ben gets that helpless look in his eyes whenever Klaus is overwhelmed and it’s not Ben’s business to feel responsible for him. Klaus pities anyone who might try.

“How many?”

Klaus glares, before finally mumbling ‘ _two_ ’.

“What are they doing?” Ben asks in a tone that’s almost conversational, as if they’re not both aware he’s trying gauge Klaus’s state of mind.

“Nothing, actually. Maybe they want to look at the stars.”

Ben shakes his head, looking like he’s about to push further and then changing his mind. “Then let’s look at the stars.” He offers.

“Me?”

“ _Certainly_ not the ghosts.” He hands Klaus the telescope. “You can still find it, can’t you?”

He can. But he’s taken aback by how much bigger the sky seems through the telescope, and it takes him a minute to find the house-shaped constellation. He grins. “There you are.”

And Ben laughs, and Klaus lowers the telescope and tries not to startle at how the little girl is now pressed up against Ben. It’s unusual for the dead to act this way with the living, unless that person is Klaus but that’s a different story entirely. The girl stares at Klaus and shakes her head with what almost looks like sadness, and he opens his mouth but then Ben is looking at the stars with wonder and Klaus pushes the strange interaction out of his head.

* * *

Klaus woke from a nightmare and jolted with fright because the man-with-ripped-out-eyes was still there when he opened his eyes. “Jesus.” He flinched away from the empty sockets piercing through him.

The man’s mouth opened - a silent scream, yet fragments of it still echoed in Klaus’s head. He grabbed it, trying to soothe the jarring pain away. If he could turn on the light… but the switch was on the opposite side of the room, and it would mean walking past the man. Sleep and an unfortunate lack of pills on hand had stripped Klaus’s defenses, and it was all he could do not to react as the man crawled on his bed. If he reacted the ghost would know, and then he’d never get rid of it. He’d just have to wait him out, he’d be okay as long as he didn’t panic.

Klaus squeezed his eyes shut and sat on the bed, frozen. He was painfully aware of the ghost dragging itself across his bed even if he couldn’t see it and every movement had his heart jumping out of his chest (it was too close, too close no-no, _please_ ).

A flash of something; shuffling; raised voices and that damned silent scream;

The room grew quiet.

“Klaus?” An entirely different presence sat down on the edge of his bed. “Hey, breathe. You need to breathe, okay?”

He realized he was holding his breath and started gasping air into his burning chest.

“Easy, you’re okay.”

Klaus got a hold of his breathing and opened his eyes, but didn’t look, only glancing the edge of _his_ jacket.

The man was gone, Klaus had no idea the ghosts could do that to each other; then again, he’d never bothered learning much about them in the first place.

“I know you can see me.” _His_ voice trembled, betraying that no, he wasn’t sure of that at all.

Klaus thought that was silly, considering he’d _clearly_ seen the man just minutes before. Maybe he just hated hearing that hint of despair ( _your fault,_ _coward_ ).

He wanted to say something, some sort of encouragement or comfort or even just a hello. But it got stuck behind the lump in his throat. It couldn’t be this way. He needed for it to not be real, for _him_ to not be there like _this_ because it was so unfair and horrible, and _it hurt._ Klaus turned his head away, trying to hide the way his eyes were filling with stupid, useless tears (he was always useless when the dead asked him for help, unable to do anything but suffer with them).

“…Okay.” _He_ whispered. “If you want me to go, I’ll-” _He_ chocked. “ _I’ll go_.”

The words hit Klaus with a terrifying, cold dread.

There was a pause. “Okay, okay…” The words were resigned even as the voice was shaking. “I’m sorry, Klaus. I never meant to- to _haunt_ you,” he said, spitting out ‘haunt’ like a curse. “like the-”

And Klaus turned, finally looking because he’d finally found something more unbearable. “ _Please_ -” He said with a desperate kind of panic, not sure what he was asking for.

 _He_ blinked. “You can see me?” He asked when it became clear Klaus wasn’t going to elaborate. _He_ sounded so amazed and Klaus realized he really hadn’t known (and fuck, what was Klaus doing?)

So, Klaus nodded. “Yeah, B-” He breathed through the sudden ache in his heart. “I see you, Ben.” (He was as far from acceptance as could be, but he’d do better for Ben.)

 _He_ frowned, studying Klaus’s face and then deflated with something between resignation and sadness. “You’re in bigger denial than I am, aren’t you?”

And Klaus was reminded of why they’d been so close (and it made this worse and better at the same time).

“Klaus, I’m de-”

“ _No_.” He cut off, hating how desperate he sounded.

“Klaus.”

“How can you just be okay with it?”

“I’m not.” _H_ \- _B- Ben_ said shaking his head. “But I’m more worried about what you’re doing to yourself.”

“I’m fine.”

“Right.”

“I’m sorry, okay?” He finally said what had been threatening to burst out since the funeral. “I’m sorry I pretended not to see you, and for not knowing how to help and _I’m sorry_ about what happened to you.”

“It wasn’t your fault.” Ben said slowly.

But he hadn’t been there, and Ben had always been there for him and fuck this world for allowing that. “I’m still sorry.” Klaus finally said, miserable.

“Me too… I just made things worse for you by showing up, didn’t I?”

 _What?_ Klaus shook his head furiously. He needed to rip this idea out before it festered. “You dy- _shit,_ you _dying_ was what made things worse, you coming back is the one good thing about this power. I just don’t know how to handle it just yet, that’s all.” He laughed, but instead of chuckling Ben frowned. “ _Please_ , stay.” Klaus asked, suddenly desperate, because in his denial he’d never considered a world where Ben left and never came back.

And Ben smiled. “Okay.” He promised. “I’m not going anywhere.”

It would have to be enough (it was).

* * *

The last time they come to the roof, they’re seventeen and it’s one of the few occasions Klaus is somewhat sober. Klaus tries to watch Ben watching the stars, but the dead are everywhere, and they’re terrifying and he curls up in the corner.

Ben is there in an instant, close but not touching because he knows how the ghosts crowd him. “Klaus? Klaus, it’s okay.” He waits for Klaus to look at him. “How many?”

“A lot.”

“What are they doing?”

Klaus shakes his head. “I’m okay.” He echoes, because he wants to wipe away the panicked concern, he’d much rather see the way Ben gets lost looking at the stars.

Ben turns his head, looking deep in thought. Suddenly he pulls out his phone and sets it between them.

_‘With your feet in the air and your head on the ground,_

_Try this trick and spin it, yeah’_

Shakily, Klaus begins to smile. His brother’s never been big on music, choosing to keep his nose in a book, or his eyes on the stars instead. In fact, most of the time Klaus is the one dragging Ben into it.

_‘Your head will collapse,_

_But there's nothing in it,’_

And Klaus never explicitly told anyone how music helps him shut the dead out, he doesn’t like talking about that part of himself in general. Obviously, Ben has been paying attention.

_‘And you'll ask yourself,’_

Then again, they’ve always shared an understanding. They don’t need to hear the specifics to know their powers can suck. Sometimes, it seems they can understand each other without even speaking.

The strain on Klaus’s mind eases and he manages to relax, swaying to the music with Ben.

_‘Where is my mind,_

_Where is my mind’_

* * *

The next time Klaus goes to the roof Ben is dead, and he looks at the stars and screams.

**Author's Note:**

> Ouch. This hurt, but it's therapeutic, I guess? Sorry for any typos, I didn't edit this as much as I would've liked to, but it's getting quite late and I want to squeeze in some Umbrella Academy rewatching time before I go to bed.


End file.
